Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
just gave your address to some spiders
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.