I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
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ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Body by sandwich.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or