me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Of course I don鈥檛 have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I鈥檓 not an amateur
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I鈥檓 way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
馃懡Hey aliens, Since you鈥檙e in the area can you please come get me? I鈥檝e got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They鈥檙e too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
three things we don’t talk about
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can鈥檛 wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”