This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
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My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
A Short Story.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
A friend sent me this.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.