Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Found the job I’m suited for
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.