*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony