people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
That’s easy for you to say
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Carpe DM
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater