I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
never forget
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?