Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
You Might Also Like
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I have so many questions.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait