Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
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You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
this is uni
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
who wants to go expliring
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes