WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.