Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed