[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
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Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me