I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying