I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
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94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”