Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see