If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery