God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.