Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
At least he brought enough for everyone
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus