I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
You Might Also Like
When you can’t find your friend Neil
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Greeting humans vs their dogs
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN