why isn’t he texting back
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either