A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
You Might Also Like
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!