(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
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If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
This is the one
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie