Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
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Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My love language is deader than Latin
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.