date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.