Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone