*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself