“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
*has no idea what a book even is*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?