I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
wait.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.