I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.