ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?