I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
jesus, what did this guy do
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
one of
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Someone just threatened to call me later
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*