I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
english majors be like furthermore
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Only a mother’s love …
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…