Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
But I really needed water water water
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?