Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
You Might Also Like
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
definitely did not do anything wrong
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands