A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
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On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Breaking news:
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.