i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Happy Caturday!
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.