Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.