When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?