Should I call tech support or pray or what
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I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*