[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.