Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.