Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.