Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies