*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”