[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
You Might Also Like
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.