[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
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It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’m literally crying
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Who chose this font
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”