Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My favorite female superhero
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.