Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Hard not to take this personally
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.