Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
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How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Beware of fowl play.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.